Naturally Juicy
or
Yet Another Reason Why I'd Rather Live In Europe.

I'm usually not much for "Furries," but there is something about Orangina's latest ad campaign that I really dig. It's sexy. It's downright scintillating.

Why can't we have attractive, original advertising like this in the USA?

Oh yeah. Because we're a nation of prudes. We wouldn't "get" it. Orangina's sales would plummet because the American people can't handle a visually stunning stylistic comment on the animal nature of human sexuality that also subtly lampoons modern advertising tropes. Too deep for 'em.

Thank god for the French.

This first one - for Orangina Red - is my absolute favorite. It's also the most inaccessible for an American audience:




I think I'm in love with that black panther Domina.

This commercial is brilliant. Everything from the voice acting to the expression on the pudgy businessman's face is spot on. *Cough, not that I know anything about BDSM, cough* It's funny. It's entirely memorable, with viral video potential, and the viewer remembers the product with ease. Fantastic work.



This next one is the first ad I ever saw from this particular campaign. It's made its rounds on the internet pretty thoroughly, but it deserves a re-post, for being so beautifully done. It's a joy to watch.



I love the details in the animation. The deer woman's ears prick up and wiggle with emotion. When the chameleon man kisses the flower woman, excitement causes his skin to suddenly pulse with every color of the rainbow. The lighting throughout is natural, warm, and radiant. The ad is gorgeous to look at, perfectly scripted, and full of vibrant, sexy energy. A real winner in my book.



Next, a series of ad spots under 15 seconds. I love the way that they poke fun at common themes in advertising. So meta, I just want to kiss whoever came up with them!



In just 3 days, Orangina will clear up your skin! No artificial colors or flavors!





Active bears don't always have time to shower. That's why he uses Orangina!




This one speaks for itself. Also: It's so damned refreshing to see gay men acknowledged in everyday advertising. Fuck you, America.





Orangina is her secret for silky, shiny hair.


I want to applaud the firm that came up with this campaign: Fred & Farid. Yeah, their blog is in French. I apologize to the non-francophones among us. Use Google Translate or something.

Hope you guys enjoyed. I encourage you, gentle readers, to comment.

Friday, Bloody Friday
or
Paying The Price

Black Friday is depressing, and it scares the fuck out of me.



I will never understand the waddling herds of house-fraus that set up temporary villages outside of retailers for as long as a week. I can't even understand a single night in freezing rain.

I'm not always so keen on my family myself, but it's sad that they'd rather dream about saving 15% on ipods than spend time with their loved ones.

Often they "aren't even looking for anything in particular."

One of my greatest fears is being trampled to death. Like many other animals, large groups of humans have a tendency to stampede. I've only been in a stampede once before, but the memory will haunt me for life: he incoherent roar of the crowd; the overwhelming body heat; the inability to take a full breath, because every time I exhaled, the walls of meat surrounding me compressed my ribs ever tighter, like a mouse in the python's grasp. The inability to move, except where the crowd took me, unable to fight my way out. Unable to escape. My heart spasming like a clutched sparrow.

Well, that's what Black Friday shoppers do, every goddamned year. The minute retailers open their doors, the slavering hoard bursts in, rushing displays of goods with the mindful grace of spooked water buffalo. Many become injured. Others DIE. We are talking about human lives ground into extinction by their own greed and the greed of others.



Kind of makes me wonder how many avid Black Friday shoppers consider themselves Christian. Isn't greed a sin? A . . . deadly sin?

They aren't human anymore. They're a mob. They tear at each other with fingernails, knives, and fists for the last Xbox. They fatally shoot each other - at Toys R Us.

This is one of the ugliest sides of humanity. It makes me ill. Look at their wild eyes - the rabid desire to buy something, anything, EVERYTHING! for no reason other than to have it. Buy buy buy BUY! Sell your soul for 25% off blu-ray DVD's!

My Best Asset?
or
I'm Famous . . . On The Internet

Back in my early 20's I performed in a video for a website called Tonguefetish.net. I was paid 50 bucks for my trouble, and I promptly forgot about it.

Five years later, a friend told me that my video was on Reddit, and people were going nuts over it. She sent me the link, and sure enough, it was there, though not in its original form. Someone had taken the time to make a moving .gif from the video clip, and THAT is what people were commenting on.

I read through all the comments, basking in the positive attention (especially the Franka Potente and Leeloo references). Towards the bottom of the page, I noticed that someone had posted a youtube link. With trepidation, I clicked it. Someone had posted my video clip on youtube about a year ago. Since then, it has gotten over 106,000 views. What. The. Fuck. That's over 300 views EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE IT WAS POSTED.

I have to say, I'm rather flattered.

The thing is, what do I do from here? Should I make my own tongue website? There has to be a way to profit from this.

Anyone have any ideas?

Wizard People, Dear Readers
or
A Love Letter To Mr. Neely

Dear Brad Neely,

We've known each other for a few years now. I remember when I first saw your commercial on Adult Swim for SuperDeluxe.com. Little did I know that when I visited that website I would fall in love.

Yes, Mr. Neely. I am in love with your work.

I'm not afraid to say it.

From the moment I first laid eyes on Babycakes, your bewildered, curious Man-child, I became obsessed. As I watched him try to make sense of his world, I reveled in each episode's insight and imagination. Not only did I see my Dungeons and Dragons obsessed friends in him, I saw myself. I wanted more.

Next, I met Professors Frank and Steve Smith, the first a whiny social misfit, the second a career dickhead. Together, The Professor Brothers made me laugh with abandon and gave me enough humorous quotes to last a decade.

You could have stopped there. You would have had me for life. But being the bright star that you are, you came up with this: a rapping Leprechaun.

I was so happy when I discovered your personal website and found your comics and drawings.

Little did I know that your masterpiece was yet to come.

One day, I stumbled across the "Illegal Art" website, and on it, your unauthorized work "Wizard People, Dear Reader." As the page instructed, I acquired a copy of Harry Potter and The Sorcerer's Stone on DVD, and synced up your audio tracks a la "The Dark Side of OZ." The results were astonishing. I was in stitches for hours, almost unable to breathe for laughing so hard. I was afraid to stop the tracks to catch my breath, for fear the jokes would lose their flawless timing.

"Wizard People, Dear Reader" is, without a doubt, the funniest movie spoof I have ever seen. You should know, Mr. Neely, that I am a devoted Mystery Science Theater 3000 fan as well, and take such material seriously.

Keep up the fantastic work.

Love,
Crazed Fan.

I Love Japan
or
Vaganus of The Sea

The Japanese are so friggin WEIRD. I love it. I'm pretty tough to shock, and they manage to get me quite a bit. I just had to share this video with you. I warn you, it's gross and freakish, but it's also incredibly funny. Well, it's funny if you have a sick sense of humor like me.

I will do you all a favor and tell you straight off that the video is fake. It's an SFX puppet. Things like that DO live in the sea, but they don't react to soda the way the puppet does.

Without further ado:





The first time I watched this, I couldn't stop cracking up for about 20 minutes. It just took me so off-guard. Ever so disgusting. Pure insanity. Someone in the comments said it best: "Is it more disturbing that these people prodded a sea-vaganus until it splooged and exploded, or that they FAKED A VIDEO of prodding a sea-vaganus until it splooged and exploded?" That's Japan, for you. God bless you, you crazy bastards! Where would the internet be without you?!

You know what it looks like? It kind of looks like a sea pig.







The ocean is a strange and slimy place.

Heartbreak
or
Way Out In The Water See Her Swimming

It hurts me viscerally that a girl can't be effected (yes, because it had an effect) by a song these days without being picked apart.


If I so much as comment on a song, that labels me "wannabe emo," or worse, "emo."


Human Nature so often disgusts me so much that I am loathe to write. You hear that, dissenters?

No, of course you don't.

Against your wishes I will post this:






I was there for their - for Placebo's - concert in Minnesota. In Minneapolis, to be exact. I thank them so deeply for even coming to the states in the first place. I was lucky to have a friend who was going to college there.

It changed my life.




I think I might have been born 50 years too late.

Divine Bovine
or
Udder Madness

Surreality brightens up my day. Every once in a while, I stumble upon something that makes me blink a few times and wonder if I've triggered another acid flashback. It's nice to question my perceptions. Might be too much for some, but I've come to enjoy it. You only get so many forays into madness before you get too old or two legitimately crazy to enjoy them. Gather ye rosebuds!

Without further ado, I will show you, gentle readers, what I am rambling about: a most demented animation featuring the humble dairy cow as we have never seen her before:







While creating this post, I've just watched the video for the seventh time today, and I'm still in awe of how very like a hallucinogen it is. The cows seem at one moment, familiar, the next, comical, and then suddenly, ominous. They churn and mutate into forms almost unrecognizable as the original with sinister determination. Blink again, and they've returned to normal. It's almost chilling.

If you ask me, someone started eating the mushrooms before they even finished picking. Am I right, kids?

When the long-legged cows come out, I can't help but be reminded of Salvador Dali's elephants:



I would wager Cyriak (the animator) is a much of a fan of Dali as I am.

Go take a look at his website if you have some time to kill. It's high caliber stuff.

I'd love to hire him to do animated wedding invitations. I wonder what that would run . . .

Tiger, Tiger
or
Yet Another Reason To Live In Chicago

I can't take credit for originally digging this video up. Thank Fark for that. However, this lady is the hottest mess I have seen in my short little life. I give you Miss Cheetah:



She's a really special brand of crazy - the kind that gives me a stiffy out of sheer terror. If I lived in Chicago, I would let her into my house and give her a bigass kitty-bed in my room. We'd eat Chinese food and drink the occasional "nice glass of wine" out of empty zebra skulls by the light of the savanna moon. Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeowwww! She could even bring her "baby," Frida, the blue shorthair. I don't care that she's a single mom. I've got two kitties of my own, so she can just bring her fine ass over here, and we'll make ourselves a feline Brady Bunch.

Tell you what, though: I am NOT scooping her box. That's Alice's job.