Lexamateur
or
The Zombification of Ms D.
I began taking Lexapro on June 12th, 2010.
How is it? Well, it's ok, I guess. It's not going to massively alter the course of my life, make me get down on my knees, and praise the pharmaceutical industry, but it's an interesting buzz, to say the least.
I won't go into the reasons why I need an antidepressant in the first place. That's the boring part. Suffice it to say that the last 15 years of my life have been steeped in the noxious brew of morbid depression. I can't remember a day - however pleasant - that wasn't tinged with internal suffering. Not one.
Drugs make sense to me. Happy pills. I don't recoil from the idea of taking a drug every day for the rest of my life, if it relieves my pain. Don't assume that I hadn't tried antidepressants before.
Paxil: I took it for about 8 days. It gave me outrageous mood swings. I would feel NOTHING - NOTHING - for 2 days, and wail like a tempest on the third. No thank you.
Celexa: The stuff is inert.
Prozac: No improvement. Headaches.
Zoloft: Felt like I'd been eating cotton wool. Headaches. I had an episode of suicidal ideation, but I don't imagine that's the drug's fault, as I have those once a year or so.
Lamictal: By this point, I was beginning to think that SSRI's weren't for me. Lamictal is a mood stabilizer and anticonvulsant with an off-label use for depression. Despite all the hype, it never did a thing for me. I took it for 10 months, hoping for a breakthrough that never came. No side effects, though.
Wellbutrin: Not a bad drug, overall. It worked for about two years, until it started provoking my anxiety to the point that I couldn't even go grocery shopping without freaking out. Also, it made my hands shake so badly that I couldn't properly use a soup spoon.
It's people like me who keep big pharma in business. *sigh*
Anyway, on to Lexapro.
I tried it at the behest of my beloved boyfriend. He takes the stuff himself, and appears to benefit from it. The poor man can't stand to watch me suffer. Seeing as it's one of the few antidepressants I hadn't tried yet, I decided to give it a whirl, with a 10mg starting dose.
It was WAAAAAAAAAY too much. I've never felt so awful in my life. I felt like I'd taken an experimental party drug instead of a pharmaceutical. It came on with a rush, like ecstasy. About an hour after I took it, I began to peak. My pupils were the size of saucers. My jaw clenched, and my body shivered as if I couldn't get warm. I began to panic as I felt myself unable to swallow, due to a lump rising in my throat. I felt nauseated and restless, yet I couldn't stop yawning. As for my mood, I was too frightened to notice any improvement. I spent the day in the bathroom while my GI tract purged its entire contents and spasmed abortively for hours afterward.
About 10 hours into that ordeal, I took a Xanax so I could sleep it off.
I almost didn't take Lexapro the next day. It took some pretty dedicated begging on Greg's part to get me to stay on the bandwagon. I agreed to half the dose - 5mg of Lexapro instead of 10mg. Again the symptoms returned, albeit somewhat lighter than the night before. I also felt incredibly spacey. I asked Greg the same question a few times in a row. I went between the living room and the bedroom a few times, forgetting each time why I had visited that part of the apartment. Pepto bismol took care of the GI symptoms. I was apparently very chatty.
Now, almost 3 weeks later, I'm still taking 5mg a day. Most of the physical symptoms have subsided, thank god. As for my mood, I am definitely seeing a change.
Like many people with long-term depression, I'm not the first to notice positive change. Greg assures me that despite a rough start, I seem a lot more tranquil all of a sudden. Less prone to "freak out" at the drop of a hat.
I'll agree with that. There's been a few instances in the past week where a certain chain of events (or "trigger," if you will) should have sent me into a wretched frenzy, but just . . . didn't. In short, my emotions feel shallow. I can see them playing across the surface of my mind, but I can't dive in. That goes for the positive ones as well. My affect has been flattened.
I'm not sure how I like that. I've always identified as an "intense" person, capable of exalted emotional highs, as well as marrow-sucking lows. We'll have to see how the next few weeks play out. Perhaps, after the drug stabilizes, the peaks will come back. Or, perhaps, the drug will teach me subtlety, and reset my emotional zenith and nadir somewhere closer to planet earth.
We'll just have to see. But for now, it's working.
or
The Zombification of Ms D.
I began taking Lexapro on June 12th, 2010.
How is it? Well, it's ok, I guess. It's not going to massively alter the course of my life, make me get down on my knees, and praise the pharmaceutical industry, but it's an interesting buzz, to say the least.
I won't go into the reasons why I need an antidepressant in the first place. That's the boring part. Suffice it to say that the last 15 years of my life have been steeped in the noxious brew of morbid depression. I can't remember a day - however pleasant - that wasn't tinged with internal suffering. Not one.
Drugs make sense to me. Happy pills. I don't recoil from the idea of taking a drug every day for the rest of my life, if it relieves my pain. Don't assume that I hadn't tried antidepressants before.
Paxil: I took it for about 8 days. It gave me outrageous mood swings. I would feel NOTHING - NOTHING - for 2 days, and wail like a tempest on the third. No thank you.
Celexa: The stuff is inert.
Prozac: No improvement. Headaches.
Zoloft: Felt like I'd been eating cotton wool. Headaches. I had an episode of suicidal ideation, but I don't imagine that's the drug's fault, as I have those once a year or so.
Lamictal: By this point, I was beginning to think that SSRI's weren't for me. Lamictal is a mood stabilizer and anticonvulsant with an off-label use for depression. Despite all the hype, it never did a thing for me. I took it for 10 months, hoping for a breakthrough that never came. No side effects, though.
Wellbutrin: Not a bad drug, overall. It worked for about two years, until it started provoking my anxiety to the point that I couldn't even go grocery shopping without freaking out. Also, it made my hands shake so badly that I couldn't properly use a soup spoon.
It's people like me who keep big pharma in business. *sigh*
Anyway, on to Lexapro.
I tried it at the behest of my beloved boyfriend. He takes the stuff himself, and appears to benefit from it. The poor man can't stand to watch me suffer. Seeing as it's one of the few antidepressants I hadn't tried yet, I decided to give it a whirl, with a 10mg starting dose.
It was WAAAAAAAAAY too much. I've never felt so awful in my life. I felt like I'd taken an experimental party drug instead of a pharmaceutical. It came on with a rush, like ecstasy. About an hour after I took it, I began to peak. My pupils were the size of saucers. My jaw clenched, and my body shivered as if I couldn't get warm. I began to panic as I felt myself unable to swallow, due to a lump rising in my throat. I felt nauseated and restless, yet I couldn't stop yawning. As for my mood, I was too frightened to notice any improvement. I spent the day in the bathroom while my GI tract purged its entire contents and spasmed abortively for hours afterward.
About 10 hours into that ordeal, I took a Xanax so I could sleep it off.
I almost didn't take Lexapro the next day. It took some pretty dedicated begging on Greg's part to get me to stay on the bandwagon. I agreed to half the dose - 5mg of Lexapro instead of 10mg. Again the symptoms returned, albeit somewhat lighter than the night before. I also felt incredibly spacey. I asked Greg the same question a few times in a row. I went between the living room and the bedroom a few times, forgetting each time why I had visited that part of the apartment. Pepto bismol took care of the GI symptoms. I was apparently very chatty.
Now, almost 3 weeks later, I'm still taking 5mg a day. Most of the physical symptoms have subsided, thank god. As for my mood, I am definitely seeing a change.
Like many people with long-term depression, I'm not the first to notice positive change. Greg assures me that despite a rough start, I seem a lot more tranquil all of a sudden. Less prone to "freak out" at the drop of a hat.
I'll agree with that. There's been a few instances in the past week where a certain chain of events (or "trigger," if you will) should have sent me into a wretched frenzy, but just . . . didn't. In short, my emotions feel shallow. I can see them playing across the surface of my mind, but I can't dive in. That goes for the positive ones as well. My affect has been flattened.
I'm not sure how I like that. I've always identified as an "intense" person, capable of exalted emotional highs, as well as marrow-sucking lows. We'll have to see how the next few weeks play out. Perhaps, after the drug stabilizes, the peaks will come back. Or, perhaps, the drug will teach me subtlety, and reset my emotional zenith and nadir somewhere closer to planet earth.
We'll just have to see. But for now, it's working.
1 comment:
I like you!
and I can't stand to watch you suffer, either. I hope the blasted things work for you. I really do.
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